Have you ever felt like you have no control over your life? That what you are doing isn’t good enough? Or that someday everything will just magically fall into its place? Well I have felt all of these things, all at once. It is very overwhelming and hard to get a grip on what reality really is. Or at least I thought and felt that way until I woke up one day and told myself that today was the day I took control of me.

That day began with finding my true happiness. Granted I didn’t find my true happiness in one morning or even one day, but what I did find was what didn’t make me happy and made me feel like  I wasn’t the best me that I could be. A lot has happened in the short life that I have lived. I’ve experienced many feelings, I’ve seen many places, and I’ve met plenty of people. But what I have never done is anything for myself.

Well I guess that I have done a few things for myself like start this blog, travel to beautiful places, and eat amazing food. What I mean when I say that I haven’t done anything for myself is that my whole life I have done everything for everyone else. To meet some expectation that I felt everyone has had for me. To fill the dreams of my parents that they never had the chance to do because they had me at such a young age. All of my accomplishments, my responsibilities, my relationships, who I think or thought I was, was for everyone in my life except for me.

Now I know what you are thinking, “well of course you do things in life for other people, you want your parents to be proud of you.” I understand that and I agree with that, but my life has never been like that. I have always felt this pressure to be better to do better, that no matter what I do it will not be good enough. It is not that my family actually thought that, it’s not that they told me that, but it is just how I felt and still often feel. No matter how hard I try it is not enough.

One of the biggest things that has happened to me recently and has changed my whole way of feeling this was my break up with my long-term boyfriend. We had been together for about three and a half years. Our relationship started on not so great terms, meaning I did something terrible and I felt like an awful person, because I was at that time. But I started becoming an even worse version of me. I allowed him to boss me around, to take away my self confidence, and with that my hopes and aspirations. He isn’t a bad person and I don’t hate him for treating me the way that he did because I know that I was not perfect through our entire relationship. But what I learned from him is that I can’t allow someone else to dictate my life and make me feel like who I am doesn’t matter.

Realizing this was a big thing for me. It was an eye opener that I can be me and love who I am even if no one else does. Because yes as cliche as it sounds you actually have to live with yourself at the end of everyday. And at the end of most days I didn’t really like, let alone love myself when I laid my head on my pillow at night.

One of the best phrases I have heard came from my grandfather, who is very insightful, just ask him he’ll tell you all about it. He said to me one day when he was in a mood ” You came into this world alone, and you sure as hell are leaving it alone.” Granted it’s pretty awful to think about, but he makes a very valid point if you ask me. So when I came to terms that my “life-long” partner and I were no longer healthy for one another and only seemed to bring out the worst in each other, was when I knew I needed to make some changes for me.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that cutting the person that you love the most out of your life is easy, because it isn’t. I had to talk myself up to actually following through with my decision. There were many times where I didn’t think that I could do it let alone handle the fact of not being with him. But one day our fighting just got to the point of where I no longer cared, no longer had any interest in anything he had to say, and I was finally at peace with telling him that I could no longer be with him because I didn’t like who I was anymore.

In all reality I guess I can thank him for the wonderful experiences that we had together and the laughter that we shared. I can also thank him for teaching me who I don’t want to be and allowing me the real sense of what it feels like to be free from ultimatums and uneasiness. Because of him I am now able to find my true happiness and to gain my spark back that makes me who I am.